Critters: A New Binge (2019) Review
Published on May 19, 2019
Release date
March 8, 2019
The Critters return to Earth searching for a lost friend that was left behind. They land in Burbank and soon torment a group of high-schoolers and their families.
Distributor
VOD
Critters: The New Binge
The Critters reboot has finally made its way onto the subscription-based platform Shudder and it is immediately apparent why SyFy passed on the miniseries that has completely missed the mark in almost all aspects of its structure and narrative.
Each episode runs approximately 9 to 12 minutes long, with the first 19 minutes (Episode 1: No Eating, Episode 2: Beginnings) following the Critters returning to Earth on a covert mission to bring home a new breed of Krite, opening with those lovable fur balls catching up on a little low-rent SyFy channel detritus before moving onto its very own grenade-happy dross – scratch that, torpedo-happy loathsome, leaving its previous joke completely redundant like most of the landslide trash-for-giggles hereon in.
A few goofy blasts later we meet our bounty hunters, who crash-land in the CGI outback of Australia. Just like the deserted and unpopulated Northern Territory I should have deserted the series long before now! By Episode 5, which is cleverly titled Detention, we have already been given a somewhat Sarah Connor subplot played by Kirsten Robek, who comes off like a poor man’s Darla (Tonie Perensky) from the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation', a love triangle between our lead Christopher, Dana and Ethan and some mediocre kills.
"A few goofy blasts later we meet our bounty hunters, who crash-land in the CGI outback of Australia."
Without giving away the entire half-breed twist of a final, one thing I can say for 'Critters: A New Binge' is that it is definitely ready and willing to entertain large groups of individuals in various degrees of intoxication. This half-baked attempt is a microbudget dance of wild ideas and unforgettably unfunny jokes with a truly dysfunctional final that makes the guests on the Jerry Springer show look like the perfect nuclear family.
If you’re after cannon fodder that not even the cast and crew alike could take seriously, a beyond-the-boundaries bile storm so to speak, then this might be for you! If you can get by simply on the enjoyment of watching the lovably wacky Critters in action you may be able to find the odd minute here and there passable! If you’re expecting an incredibly fun and, at times, sharply hilarious return to form or a Critters: Bounty Hunter balls to wall 5 minute ride, avoid as this isn’t it! 'Critters: A New Binge' is poorly-constructed nonsense that needs to be forgotten. And forgotten fast!
Just like fly tipping, this shouldn’t have happened. 'Critters A New Binge' feels like a leftover script for a 'Killer Tomatoes' movie. Whether or not you consider that a good thing depends on whether you can separate out what the miniseries was supposed to be retooling. I couldn’t!